danse macabre--don't read it, it's stupid and long.

I desperately want to be a famous solo violinist.  I want to be able to put everything I am and everything I ever was into something passionate and palpable.  I want so very much to be able to communicate with an audience, so still them, to move them, to captivate them, to entrance them with my emotion, to make them feel as if what I am saying to them is as clear and as vivid as someone who they loved very much communicating something tragic to them with actual words.

I want this.  I want to be able to manipulate my fingers and my violin to unlock things that I can't possible express with verbal language.  I want to be amazing, the best, the most talented, the most expressive and the most communicative. 

I've wanted this since I was three years old. 

I've never felt so alive as I did when I performed.  I'm not very good, I'm not very talented, I'm not expressive, I don't get my point across, I don't work very hard to get these things accomplished, but there, on stage, when I have something to say, and I stand there and I studder it out, that's when I know that's what I was made do to.  That's what I was meant to do.  That's the language I was supposed to speak.

So, what happened?  What happened between being sure and changing my mind?  What made me decide that something else was so important that I needed to change all of my plans?  What made me sacrifice my junior recital and my real shot?  What made me jeopardize all of that?

Who knows.  I wish I would have thought better of it though. 

And the only reason that I'm writing this at all is because I'm listening to one of the concertos that I was supposed to perform this past semester for my junior recital.  I'm listening to the only piece that my violin teacher and I agreed on this semester.  Because I'm selfishly regretting that I didn't do my tragic and dramaticly themed recital, that I missed my chance to make a fool out of myself in front of my whole school, or the six or seven people that came, and because for some reason I feel like I gave up on this and all the people who encouraged and helped me, all the people that taught me and drilled me and pushed me and all that jazz when I never, ever thought that I would. 

I feel like I lost.  I feel like something beat me out of it.  I feel like all the hours in the practice rooms were wasted because I  missed my chance.  I feel like I can't play anymore because there's no goal.  The goal I was working for since I started is past and I didn't do it.  Why? 

I guess I'm disappointed in myself.   I know I am.  Disillusioned with my dream and disillusioned with my ability.

Somewhere along the way I lost my voice and since then I've lost my desire to find it, to relearn the language and to learn it better.

Well, it's not worth crying about now.  I either have to do it or give it up.  Right?  No sense in bothering with wondering how I could have been so stupid as to give it up for something, or someone else.

Anyway, that's all I have to say about that.

And I'll probably delete this tomorrow when I realize I actually posted this load of buggering crap.

i talk to the trees but they never listen to me

So, basically, being vegan has had it's little challenges, but now, in my third month (which isn't a really long time but it seems like it without coke or sugar while working at an ice cream store) I've decided that it's the best way to get yourself to try new things.  For instance, today, sitting next to me, is a plate of potato dumplings.  Now, these potato dumplings have the consistancy of something between that of a real dumpling and jello.  They are sitting in a small, shallow pool of potato slime, to which they do not want to let go.  They taste interesting enough but they look very much like little, yellow brains.  So, if for some reason I could not feel the consistancy or see them they may provide me with a lot more enjoyment than they presently are.  I want very much to fling one against the window and see how long it would take for the two inch balls to fall off. 

Rice noodles are almost indestructable if you want to know.  You can hold one of them outside your car window and it will sit there and whip back and forth for almost ever before finally slipping from your grasp and sticking itself eternally to the side of the car.

The short story is I don't want to go to work tonight.  I don't want to make two cakes that are due tomorrow. 

Epponine won't eat the dumplings.  Apparently she doens't see how they are truly food.

Also, I cut my hair again.  It's now shorter than it has been since I was 15.  It wasn't supposed to do that, but, oh well.

Later

Currently Watching Animaniacs, Vol. 1 see related

...'cause your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone....

i need to change this thing around, i think.  i can't remember when i changed it to this, but i'm pretty sure it was more than a year ago.

amazingly there's nothing really special to write today.  yesterday we had an adventure with adam's phone, and more adventure with a friend of mine and her newest job...but for the moment i don't really feel like relaying that story.

what do you think about those automatic shower cleaners?  i think if i saw one in someone's house...well, i mean, i guess i would prob think they were a little lazy but i mean, all having one does, really, is just admit publically that you don't clean your shower...the thing is, who actually does clean their shower, you know, like on a regular basis, much less every day?  so, i guess they are slightly clever, but i imagine rather unsightly.

so, yeah, i just wrote a paragraph about scrubbing bubbles automatic shower cleaners.

and now i'm watching a puppy, a little westie, and she's cute but she's a handfull in every sense of the term.

anyway...i have to get ready for work.  yay work.

so, later.

Currently Listening Want Two (CD/DVD combo) By Rufus Wainwright The One You Love see related

Kitty Kitty

So, I'm working finally, four jobs, and that's fun.  The other day I had them all on the same day...that was interesting.  But of course the good thing is that one of my wonderful friends and I are back working together and we've been having an awesome time.  He took me to go get my hair cut and styled and stuff, I don't know if it's too big of a difference but it's different to me.  But I like it a lot. 

And I got a new kitten.  YAY!  But I have no idea what to name her...I've had her for like, three weeks and she still doesn't have a name and everyday it's harder to name her because she's so much fun and changes so much all the time.  I guess now it's about down to Lorilei, Layla and Trinity...Switch, Antigone, and basically, it hasn't been narrowed down yet. 

Basically, I start summer school in a about two weeks or so, Noah starts summer school around the same time, in freaking Charleston, so that's going to be different. 

I'm re-in love with Moulin Rouge and recently had a wonderful guy ask me to move in with him, so I guess things are okay.  Not that I will but-

I'm in love with our downtown-I need to live there, in the park, that would be awesome.

TNT has nothing new to offer the world.

Speaking of world I should really hit up the World Market today.  Maybe get another job.  Yay!

K well, it's time to get away from this thing and hang out.

Rufus Wainwright is my lover, please listen to him.

Currently Listening Get Away from Me By Nellie McKay see related

Final attempt.

I have started so many of these things since a month ago and then decided midway through that I would rather watch tv or something instead of finish my train of thought.  Maybe this thing isn't for me these days, since all I seem to talk about is how I used to actually write stuff in my old blogspot while this thing gets no attention at all.

Maybe people are just more interesting to talk to.  Maybe that's what it's all about.

I'm at Cody's house today, YAY!  Really don't feel like going back to school and doing the whole rest of the semester thing...I'm sure no one else feels like that so I digress.

I think today would be an incredible day to sit out in the sun and sleep...and then later take a road trip to somewhere random later in the week or something...like we haven't already been driving all over the state, we should hit another one, don't you think?

I think it's also time for breakfast...or to watch some tv...or to go back to bed.  Something like that. 

Sorry to have wasted the last five minutes of your life.